It started with barbecue....

Extended time in the Denver airport, a job change and n/v

2012-03-01T09:18:00.006-08:00

There is not much barbecue being eaten around here these days.

There is a lot to remember from February this year. An interesting month for sure. We got to go to Denver for a weekend to celebrate Matt's cousin's wedding. On the way back, we had a change of plans. From a 1.5 hour plane ride to KC, we ended up with a 10.5 hour car ride. We still don't know exactly what happened. But it involved 3 waits in line before our not-so-kind ticket agent explained that we had missed the window to check in for our plane. She said that my in-laws could stay with the bags and hope to catch the next flight, and Matt, Ruby and I could try to make it on the 10:16am flight to KC. We did our best. We endured the typical security routine when traveling with a little one (which included stroller, car seat, car seat base, etc.). I tried to console our 16 month old, tired daughter who just wanted to walk around and did not want to be carried around the airport. I cried on the tram ride to the gate, in exhaustion, stress, and not understanding how this was happening. I actually sobbed uncontrollably in front of a car full of people. And Matt did as he always does and handled this all well. And at 10:14am, as we arrived at the gate, the woman behind the podium informed us that we had missed the flight by 8 minutes. She told us to go wait in the customer service line. The customer service representative told us that we would now be placed on stand-by on any future flights that day to KC, with all flights being full, and she reported, even overbooked. She said that if we did not fly out that day, which she did not anticipate we would, we would get to pay $150 a person to fly the next day if we got on a flight. Matt and I did not handle this news well. I no longer plan to fly this airline that had very little help or compassion to offer traveling parents. I have still not figured out exactly what I will take from this experience. Instead of playing the roulette of all-day standby with a little one (does this sound like a good idea to anyone?), my gracious, patient in-laws rented a mini-van and drove with us back to KC. Ruby was sad at times during the trip, but we made it. I will always try to remember this experience when I see other parents traveling with young children.

Thank you for letting me get that out, I needed it.

We also had an eventful situation arise with Matt's job. We found out a few weeks ago that he was being let go from his current job as of March 2nd due to company restructuring and downsizing. He has been at his current job for 5 years, and while all jobs have their challenges, we have been very thankful for this position, for his coworkers and boss, and for how God has provided for us. In an amazing week thereafter, Matt was able to interview, receive a job offer, and accept a position at another company, where he will start Monday March 5th. That's right, no lag time. And while I also feel like I have not exactly figured out what I will take from this, I have thought frequently about the gratitude we have felt the last few weeks.

And finally, and maybe too early to be sharing, maybe not the way I want the information to spread exactly, but it wouldn't be a true blog of what February has been like this year, if I did not include the update that we are expecting our second child (so yes, all of the above events included the factor of me pregnant:) We are excited, we are scared, we are thankful. And as I started with, there has not been much barbecue eaten around here. Because as the title of this post indicates, there has been quite a bit of "n/v" or nausea/vomiting as it is commonly abbreviated medically. I now understand that in my first pregnancy, I was very spoiled to not have to deal with hardly any of that. So this is a new experience for me; and it has kind of overshadowed any other abilities to think past that immediate need of not getting sick. Matt has rocked it, only getting scolded by me for unknowingly making himself a meat sandwich of some kind that I insisted smelled horrible, and required us opening windows to cold February air. Ruby has done well, although I miss feeling like I am keeping up with her. And I am thankful that n/v is a sign of a healthy pregnancy. And I am also thankful that I now know what other women are experiencing when they describe their first trimester. Because although it has not been fun, I am praying that it gives me some sort of ability to sympathize in the future. That when a friend calls me wanting baked potato soup, but unable to go get it for herself, that as my friend Kelsey so willingly did the other week, I will give up my own afternoon plans, load my little one(s) in the car, and help her out because I KNOW.

I think this is what I am beginning to wonder about blogging. I gave up reading blogs for a week in February (mostly), just to kind of take a break. And I realized that instead of comparisons made while reading blogs, that God could use blogs to help develop an ability to comfort. Is that weird? Or putting too much pressure on a blog? I don't think so. Because in reading what other friends are learning, whether in the small or the gigantic, I think I am learning that they deal with similar troubles. That they have similar joys. And that if we are all not going through the exact same thing now, which we are not, down the road, I may be able to have something worthwhile to say to you if your family experiences a job loss. Or you may have something worthwhile to say to me about this n/v. So there you have it. I hope the above is understood to be offered with hands that intend to be kind, non-judgmental and above all, thankful that friends care about our family. Love you guys.

All quiet on this front....

2012-02-02T08:34:00.001-08:00

Well sort of, Ruby is talking herself to sleep... or squawking. I think two blog posts in one week last time just did me in:) so maybe that is to explain for the hiatus.... Whatever it may be, just felt like I needed to be quiet for awhile. We are still hoping for our house to be ready in the not-so-distant future to go on the market. Which in its current state after a half morning of playing hard seems fairly unreal. Its been somewhat sleepless around here too - for some reason, I am up for two or three hours at night. And when one of us is up, it seems like everybody joins in. I was thinking about some of the things that I would miss about this house if we move, including watching my husband tip toe like a spy or ballerina (I wanted to just write "ballerina" but thought he would appreciate the inclusion of something a little more manly like a "spy") across our creaky-in-every-spot wood floors at night so as not to wake Ruby - it is an art, my friends.

We were driving the other night, just talking, the three of us, and as I put some Burt's Bees on my wintery lips and added a dab to Ruby's lip to make her smile, I casually mentioned to Matt that I had recently done the exact same thing but instead of Burt's Bees landing on Ruby's lip, it landed on her tongue. Which caused me to wonder if there was a warning label on the Burt's Bees saying to contact poison control if this product was accidentally ingested. But instead of looking for such a label, which would be too sensible, I proceeded to put a dab on my tongue as well to make sure that my daughter was going to be OK. I am not sure where the logic was in this, but even as I type it, I realize that I would do the same thing again. Burt's Bees does taste minty, but not very pleasant in your mouth versus on your mouth, so I wouldn't really recommend trying this. Matt had a good laugh over this, and told me that I should be telling you about this incident in our blog. So I laughed and told him I would. All that to say, I still don't really know what my purpose is in blogging. Some people blog to help them remember things - I think this is a great reason to blog. And some blog to keep friends and family updated. And probably lots of other reasons too. But I am not sure why I blog. And I think more than anything, in a way that I am having trouble explaining, I am feeling like I need to follow this advice from John Eldredge - "You have one life to live, it would be best to live your own."

4 years

2012-01-05T14:00:00.000-08:00

(Photo courtesy of Jami Nato - thenatos.blogspot.com

4 years ago, the weather was not unlike today (not quite as warm, but then again I was wearing a strapless dress). I was in between semesters of my 2nd year of PT school. I had known Matt for a little over 14 months. We had dated for 6 of those months, before being engaged for 4 months. We said "I do."

On the side of our fridge hangs a quote by Leo Tolstoy: "The goal of our life should not be to find joy in marriage, but to bring more love and truth into the world. We marry to assist each other in this task."

I am privileged to be around people every week who have celebrated 50, 60, even 70 years of marriage. When I think of 4 years, it seems so insignificant in comparison. But it is not. It is very significant. Thank you, Matt, for this gift!

Greetings, January

2012-01-03T14:32:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here sipping on my hot chocolate that I attempted to make from memory a la Pioneer Woman's recipe. But I was holding Ruby in one arm, and feeling guilty that while I made delicious hot chocolate for myself, I had no intention of sharing it with her. (I know that it would be bad parenting to offer my daughter hot chocolate, but the irrational thought in my head for one minute was related to how wonderful this mug would be, and that she did not get any). So after my tangent, I want to let you know that the hot chocolate that I am sipping on got the wrong quantities because I was distracted and one-arm-ing it, with double the chocolate chips than I was supposed to put in. I couldn't sleep the other night after drinking a cup of this hot chocolate due to all the sugar running through my veins.

I could write all about our holidays. Or I could get a jump on things by writing about our upcoming anniversary on Thursday (but I am HOPING to blog about it on said day - and I am doing as I always do, and not keeping my surprise (or not really a surprise, just a blog post, but I prefer to think that two posts from me in one week would be a surprise!) I perhaps should not have told you that I will blog, because as someone once instructed me, "High standards, low expectations." And telling you I might post again this week could create unrealistic expectations around here:)

I don't have anything too deep or memorable to say this date. Except, "welcome, January." I honestly had been dreading you - thinking back to the last two winters with all the snow and bad weather we had. Remembering last year's car accident. I am instead, if not standing here with open arms, I feel like at least, offering open hands. To January and to 2012. Looking forward to what's ahead.

Hodgepodge

2011-12-24T21:25:00.000-08:00

A multitude of things are on my mind, so it's time to share. It's been a while since my last post, which was about our departed (my parents house, not dead) crazy dog, Tiki, who tried to steal my biscuits and gravy before our Kearney trip. One of the Kearney Boyz, Piz, asked if this would be one of those blogs that would become stale and die soon. I assured them that it probably would. Although, my wife, who often surprises me (choosing Tiki as our dog) has proved me wrong. This is good as I thoroughly enjoy reading her post, even though, like many or few of you I do not comment on them. I did, however, promise to post before Christmas, well better late than never is my motto (of which I have many).

Podge 1
You may notice that Kathleen and I use parentheses a lot (we love them). Why? Not really sure, I view them as tiny tangents, rabbit trails (I think it should be rabbit tales (sounds more fun)). Sometimes they give the reader a better understanding of what we are talking about or a way for a fun distraction. Also, they are used frequently in coding (computer programming) for passing variables (values or objects). So I feel more at home when I use them. Do others of you have a favorite symbol(s)? Kathleen is not a fan of the exclamation mark! Which gives me all the more reason to use them for those of you who know how my personality works (pushing the boundaries). Who knew punctuation held such emotion?!

Podge 2
Husbandry and the art of fathertry has become a coveted skill as of late. We are in process of getting our house on the market and I've knocked out most of the things on the list that Kathleen and I put together. However, it hasn't been without stress, anguish and wet socks. My last project, a few days ago, was re-hooking up the plumbing to our kitchen faucet after our granite was installed. Needless to say I soaked our basement with water because I couldn't find plumbers tape, and used plumbers putty instead. At this time my beautiful and understanding wife was camping out at my parents till my dad and I squared up water to our house again. I'm sure that I haven't juggled my tasks and taking care of the Wifey and Ruber as well as I would like, but they have been awesome. Every simple task has taken it's tole and we are of the opinion that spiritual warfare is alive and well in our house and community. But we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. We hope to move to KCK sooner rather than later to more effectively work with Mission Adelante as we minister to our Bhutanese Refugee friends, but it's all in God's timing.

Podge 3
While fear appears to be caused by things around us, it's not, it's very much internal. When I laid in bed as a wee lad and looked in my monster filled closet, I was sure they were real. Now those monsters still exist, but have come out of the closet and meet me in my daily life. One of my friends at work has been a huge help when it comes to solving my IT woes. We get along well as we have similar interests, he loves wood working even more than I do, and has used it to bless others. Once he told me that he had a big decision to make, but he already knew the answer. He was afraid of the pain it would cause. Could he handle it? Was there a another way? So he stayed up all night in anguish. In the end he made the right decision as he always did. I'm glad he did, because really he was the only one who could have gone to the cross for my short-comings, my sins. What if fear had won and Jesus decided to not go to the cross, where we would be? I'm grateful for him, hope I see him tomorrow in myself and the people I encounter as he IS the celebration.

Peace and Love my friends, The Totsch Fam

It's coming on Christmas....

2011-12-18T09:38:00.001-08:00

I wanted to share what we've been up to lately; I am sharing it all at once, instead of more frequent little bits. Just how things are these days:) Christmas for the Totsch family this year with a fourteen month old has included some adjustments. We switched from our regular tree to this little beauty who conveniently sits out of reach.

All of our decorations are actually out of reach this year. In this next picture, you'll notice our Advent cards in the background a la Ann Voskamp, hung in the entryway to our kitchen. I also want to point out with a mixture of thankfulness and pride some other things - in preparation for getting our house ready to put on the market hopefully this spring, Matt has been hard at work. New paint in the kitchen, new appliances, a new light over our dining table that was not an easy install. He has been pushing hard to get these things done, and I appreciate his willingness to give time and energy to keep moving us in the direction we believe God is leading.

The Rubster is expanding her vocabulary.... it now consists of "daddy", "mama", "nonni" (grandma), "vovó" (grandma), "ti-ti" (which is "Tiki" which actually applies to many dogs right now), "baby", "go" and probably Ruby's favorite, and pictured here: "no".

Just wanted to post a picture of my little cutie complete with runny nose and happy heart. You will notice the end table in the background does in fact have towels over it. The combination of concrete top and sharp corners was too much for me with a not-so-steady little one. Our friends Andy and Val brought up the suggestion of bubble wrap last night jokingly - I actually don't think it's a bad idea:)

This next picture was taken with camera phone, hence its quality but it contains an important object I don't want to forget. The large pink object on the right side is pink puppy, and he is a girl's best friend. Despite his lack of one ear, he is proving himself to be invaluable both to Ruby and her parents. When we need a distractor, all we have to ask is "Where is pink puppy?" and off she toddles in search of her beloved friend.

Ruby and I had fun on a recent day off when I got to relive a little of my own Christmas memories from growing up with a viewing of "Christmas Eve on Sesame Street." Produced in 1978, I have fond memories of watching this one with my brothers. I was searching for it on Netflix a few weeks ago to be sure it was still around, and I was appalled to see that not only was it not listed at all, but had been replaced by "Elmo saves Christmas." (Ruby does not know about Elmo yet, so maybe in a few years, if he has replaced pink puppy as a favorite, perhaps I will not be so disgusted.) Anyway, I was relieved to find that Target had not forgotten "Christmas Eve on Sesame Street", and we got to have a fun time together viewing it. Matt does not really seem to understand the amazingness of this movie, but indulged me with semi-watching as well. We will be celebrating Totsch-style later this week by watching Muppet Christmas Carol, which I agree with him does not have the cheese-factor of Sesame Street Christmas, but it also doesn't include awesome sideburns or Cookie Monster eating a telephone.

Aside from when our friend Isaac was first born, I do not have a great picture of Isaac and Ruby together. This is as close as I have come. These next two pictures were taken at a party last week to celebrate the end of the trimester for ESL students and the members of the kids and teens clubs and their families, who are part of the community of Bhutanese refugees. It has been two years since we first got to meet some of these families, and we have been very thankful for their friendship.

Ruby pictured here with her Advent calendar. We are, I think, beginning to see a bit of sassiness coming out in our daughter....

Date night: We were intending to use our livingsocial coupon to go to Skies for one last time prior to its closing at the end of November. Skies is where Matt took me on our first date and where he proposed to me, so it's a special place in my heart. Maybe it worked for the best (I might have been a little sad) that we unknowingly tried to go on the night of the Mayor's tree lighting down at Crown Center. The wait list for Skies exceeded the time we thought we could hold off eating, so we had some yummy Fritz's and enjoyed a little Christmas concert afterwards. Thankful to have the opportunity to do this!

(Disclaimer - this last little attachment is beautiful, but it is moving especially to anyone with a heart for adoption, and depending on when you are reading this, or how you are doing, I would hate to send you here without a little heads up). And lastly, I wanted to share a link to a song that my friend included in a recent blog post. My words may fail me to explain why I wanted to share this - when I asked Matt, he said "Why not?" (For which I love him). The song says that "we celebrate His perfect gift of love", and I believe what I have posted above is all part of our attempt to celebrate this perfect gift. But we realize that all is not perfect in the world, nor is all perfect in our own lives or the lives of our friends. May I not ignore that and "yet rejoice in the Lord, and be joyful in God my Savior." The truth and reality of day-to-day life for every person walking this earth in hurt, confusion, heartache or trouble mixed with the truth and reality of our God, who calls himself a Redeemer, a Restorer. Who sets the lonely in families. I am sharing this video because Philippians 4:8 says whatever is "true... right.... lovely", think on these things, and I believe this story to be all of those.
In case I don't blog again for awhile (which given my track record), there is a good chance:) Merry Christmas to you, thanks for being part of our 2011, and a happy and blessed new year.
love,
the Totsch family

Courage

2011-12-02T15:21:00.000-08:00

Photo courtesy of Jenae Weinbrenner: www.imijfoto.com

The picture really doesn't have a lot to do with my post today, except that I love it. I love my daughter, I love that she likes to pull the bows out when I put them in.

So sitting down just now after work, feeling a little disheartened by a day when I don't feel like I was a very good PT, I was blessed with a little time to myself since Ruby fell asleep on the way home....

And reading a few friends' blogs, I was struck by the thought that I am so impressed with this idea of "courage" that I am seeing in people's lives all over the place. Courage to adopt. Courage to wait to adopt. Courage to wait for a baby. Courage to be a good mom. Courage to love. Courage to celebrate the holidays.

And I have nothing big to say, other than that I needed to think just now about what my friends are teaching me about having courage. It did my heart good to read and watch and listen and observe. And realize that when I was reading Acts 4 yesterday, the title of the section I was reading was called, "The Believers Pray for Courage." So I think I will too pray for courage for these girls, these friends, these moms, these families choosing to persevere, and to hope. I love seeing their courage. I will pray for courage for myself too. Sometimes, though it may not seem like much to you, I forget that I am, in fact, demonstrating courage - courage every time I drive to work in sub-32 degree weather. Courage to laugh with my daughter when I am a little sad inside. Courage to blog. Courage to keep being real and vulnerable with our community and friends, even when I feel like they will like me less. Courage to tell Matt that I am going to keep trying to figure out this thing of loving him well, when there are days I know how much I have fallen short of it.

I have been trying to think about how to prepare for Christmas, how to celebrate Advent - what I want that to look like for our family, for Ruby. Maybe my focus this year will be thinking about courage. If you feel so inclined, what about reading the story with me of the birth of Jesus with an eye willing to look for courage? Would love to discuss this with anyone who wants to. It usually takes me awhile to sort my thoughts and share them, so that's all I have to say about that for now:) Just thought I would invite you into my own seeking.

Being the village....

2011-11-10T08:06:00.000-08:00

Thanks for bearing with me on the last post with my crazy font changes and all. And for bearing with me in between the posting - because sometimes thinking about what I want to sit down and say here is incredibly overwhelming.

That's how I roll.

I had intended on putting up some pictures soon of my sweet little girl enjoying the fall with family and friends. I still will (I hope).

But today I hold a full heart that may just kind of spill out here and look a little messy but I think that's OK. If you have not already figured out, the Lord has wired me to have this heart that gets touched pretty easily. More than touched. It is an answer to prayer - I have asked Him to help me "rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn." That sounds sort of prideful, I don't mean it to be. And I don't always respond that way to situations that should move me. And sometimes hormones do weird things to the mix, like leave me crying uncontrollably and then I have to tell Matt I don't know why I am crying (and he hugs me in silence without trying to fix it, and it is good). There are many other factors in being created this specific way that I am. But it usually comes down to hoping in some small way that those I care about (whether they know it or not) find peace and comfort and joy in the midst of their circumstances. That they know God's love for them.

All that run on to say, I read my friend's blog this morning, and she linked to this article and I loved it. It's about how to love friends that have adopted, are adopting or want to adopt. And having several friends that have, are, or wanting to adopt made me so glad to read this. And it made me tear up. And made me think how, not to lessen the experience of these adoptive friends in particular, but I have many friends that I want to have a village of their own. And I don't know how to be a part of their village sometimes.

So I pray for a little girl in Ethiopia right now that we are waiting for her parents to receive their referral (part of being the village is that I throw around adoptive terminology without exactly knowing the full meaning, but they know that I get the gist of it, and they are gracious to me:). And I join my friends who are currently in the paperwork stage of things as they fundraise to be able to wait: http://babykautzi.blogspot.com/2011/10/announcing-new-fundraiser-american-girl.html. And I pray for another family who has shared their heart for adoption and openly blogged in a way to help me learn, and make me care more, and be so thankful to watch their journey.

But I also pray for other friends who have shared deep need, and deep hurt and deep desire to trust in other circumstances, and just admit that I want to be like you so much. To be honest about these things. Ever so slowly.

So today my honesty comes out in this form. Lord, teach us, in this crazy world where emails and blogs sometimes mean more than we know, where we don't always have the time or take the time to drop off dinner, and where you want us to know that you have this wild, beating heart for your children that you want us to have too.

Courtesy of Netflix

2011-10-25T11:48:00.000-07:00

I am not a movie buff because I have very limited tolerance for action, drama, suspense and so forth. With a too vivid imagination anyway, I have to be careful what I watch, or as Matt jokes, I will casually mention to him at night that I am concerned that Ironman could be in the basement.

So documentaries are a perfect fit for me. With a husband who loves watching movies, documentaries have been our meeting ground this past year. My love for this genre has grown, from initial laughs at Spellbound and Mad Hot Ballroom to increasing social and environmental concern through the likes of The Cove (truly disturbing at times, and yet much more watchable for me than a made-up Hollywood story - although I now am not sure that I will ever be able to visit Sea World again). Especially the first few months of Ruby's life, we watched many documentaries. It was kind of fun to think back as I write this over the ones that have made an influence on me and my family or just simply been a source of enjoyment for us. A brief selection, with their Netflix descriptions.....

1. No Impact Man - this movie kind of got me re-interested in the genre after my initial introduction through the above-mentioned..... In my old age, I am becoming more and more interested in ways that I can personally make changes to become more green. Since my husband refuses to paint our roof white, I valued this movie for the small ideas that it does introduce as well as the bigger ones.

A Fifth Avenue family goes very green when writer Colin Beavan leads his wife, Michelle Conlin, and their baby daughter on a yearlong crusade to make no net impact on the environment in this engaging documentary. Among their activities: eating only locally grown organic food, generating no trash except for compost and using no carbon-fueled transportation.

A personal highlight from the movie - when Colin decides to throw out all of his wife's make-up.

2. A Man Named Pearl - I will just allow Netflix to explain:

Angered by white residents' racist comments that he wouldn't "keep up his yard," Pearl Fryar teaches himself topiary sculpture and becomes the first African American in his Bishopville, S.C., neighborhood to win the coveted "yard of the month" award. This acclaimed documentary traces Fryar's inspiring story, as he grows into a legendary horticulturist, welcoming thousands of tourists eager to catch a glimpse of his stunning works of art.

Part of what I love about this movie aside from Pearl's amazing talents are his faith in God, his relationship with his wife, and his character demonstrating humility and goodwill towards others.

3. Babies - This one must be mentioned for sentimental reasons. We watched this movie about three weeks after Ruby was born. I remember little from this season in life but I do remember Matt and I laughing throughout this film. I also remember Matt using this movie to support his view that babies are much more resilient than we may have initially thought. I am looking forward to watching it again soon in my less sleep deprived state, with all the wisdom that one year of mothering has taught me:)

Documentary filmmaker Thomas Balmes charts the simultaneous early development of four babies from different parts of the world, illustrating what makes human life unique, similar and precious wherever it occurs. Training his camera on newborns Hattie from San Francisco, Ponijao from Namibia, Bayarjargal from Mongolia and Mari from Tokyo, Balmes captures everything from first screaming breaths to first steps.

A personal highlight includes a scene where the mom from Mongolia who just delivered her baby rides off on the back of a motorcycle with her swaddled newborn.

4. Chops - I love documentaries about elementary, middle, high school kids - I think they are wonderful, capturing all kinds of fun in the growing up process. Because we love jazz music, this one was especially fun for us:

In this Tribeca Film Festival selection, filmmaker Bruce Broder trains his camera on a crop of talented young jazz musicians as they play their way through the Essentially Ellington high school jazz band competition. Sponsored by the Jazz at Lincoln Center program, the prestigious contest gives the kids the chance to rub shoulders with legendary trumpeter Wynton Marsalis -- and put their budding improvisational skills to the test.

Plus I love rooting for the underdog.

And finally,

5. Nursery University - We watched this one over the last two nights in parts.

Follow five families through the harrowing process of applying to nursery school in New York City, where hypercompetitive parents and elite institutions have made pricey consultants and toddler tutors part of the admissions process. Marc H. Simon's insightful documentary uses wry humor and drama to examine the increasingly common belief that securing entrance to the "right" preschool classroom is a critical first step to success.

Having seen half the movie on Sunday, I went to church that night and commented to several friends about the ridiculousness of this competitive preschool system, etc. Very judgmental of me, and I repent today. After watching the second half of this documentary last night, I just really loved the movie. As a parent, you cannot help but relate to strangers who are looking out for the best interests of their children. And Netflix rightfully described it as a feel-good movie because it reminded me that most of us out there love our children very much. What a great common bond. And exactly why I love documentaries.

Pottery Barn catalog

2011-10-17T18:39:00.000-07:00

So I love the Pottery Barn catalog. It feels a little strange to admit that - I think it goes against the grain of who I visualize myself to be, my beliefs, my views of what is important in life.... maybe that is overthinking things though. Some people do Sudoku before they go to bed. Or watch reality TV. I look at the Pottery Barn catalog.

I would not say I am obsessed with it. Nor do I order much if anything from it. But for some reason, browsing the pages of the catalog is very soothing to me. I think because it is slightly mindless to look at those pages. And comforting. And makes me look forward to the holidays. And helps me fall asleep. And those are OK things. And if Pottery Barn were to offer to redo my house for free, I would not turn them down. I also admire their marketing skills, the words they choose, like offering you "easy," "comfortable," "inspiring," "everyday-use" and "luxury" all in the same page. I was a marketing major in college, and since I have never used that degree for an actual job or even internship, I like to every once in awhile see if I can still pull out my former vocabulary and analysis skills to see through what I am being sold on. But that is a side note.

I had a tough time sleeping last night because I had this weird dream that someone was hunting me down (maybe partially because I did not look at the Pottery Barn catalog before I went to bed). And when I woke from this dream, I began to worry. That Ruby would fall down stairs today and hit her head. This is a very common one (common worry). Especially these days now that she is walking and interested in stairs. I also worry about fires. Or when it was just me and Matt, before Ruby was born, that he would get in a car accident on the way to work. Ironically. Or many other worries. I am a little overtired as I write this from not sleeping well, and may be more free with what I am saying than I would typically be. Which may not be a bad thing.

Just reading my friend Jami's blog now, I was very challenged about this whole worry thing. That if you have read my posts before you may have noticed is an undercurrent in my life. I will even quote her so as not to miss the gist of her thoughts: "i want to change my desire to control things that are not in my control and will never be... it is not for me to think that i am bigger than God and that i know more than Him.

it just isn't.

oh. huh. it doesn't all depend on me...that kinda feels great to know that.

so my favorite quote from the weekend...

At your worst, God gives his best."

And I realized that if I were somehow able to remove worry from my life (a.k.a. feeling a lack of control and not trusting God to give his best), there would be such a large gaping hole of space for other things in my life that it might take a million Pottery Barn catalogs to fill. Or maybe some other more worthwhile things. If worry were to instantaneously disappear from my family, my marriage, and my life, I am not sure what things would be like. This struggle I carry in our marriage affects both of us, affects Ruby - we have rules like I am only allowed to bring up a worry so many times before we are done talking about it. Sounds harsh, but is actually a pretty loving thing to do. Worry is kind of my comfortable place. Am I willing to give up the comfortable for the uncomfortable? I don't know if I will always fight anxiety or if the fight will look different over time.... I do know that I need God to help me. His grace is sufficient. I think I am too chicken to add the link to this post to my facebook page. That's all right. I'm proud I had the guts to write it here tonight.

One year to celebrate

2011-10-13T14:09:00.001-07:00

We had a great birthday time with Ruby - a trip to Johnson's farm for pumpkins (complete with my brothers and husband bringing along the reciprocating saw for cutting through pumpkin stems and rotted pumpkins and such), a delicious Ruby-sized cupcake from Dolce bakery (at least I think it was delicious, as Ruby definitely ate the majority of it), and sweet birthday thoughts and wishes from friends and family....

This year has gone fast - I distinctly remember people bringing us dinner when she was about three weeks old and saying that it would go fast, and in my sleep-deprived state, I remember thinking that they were crazy, and that nobody should ever say those words to parents before a baby reaches three months old because they are like cruel taunts to those whose heads only touch the pillow briefly for weeks on end. It is still very interesting to me that God designed things so those first few months hold so little sleep for parents. I would love to hear any suggested theories on why this is so. Our friends were very very right that this year did go fast. And very good to us to bring us meals.

The three years I have been married to Matt have also gone fast. There is a couple that I see at work - I don't know how long they have been married. But he comes and visits her everyday. And sits next to her and pats her arm. And when I mentioned that my daughter had her first ear infection the other week, they both looked knowingly, like they had been in my shoes a time or two. I am sure they could have told me that this year would go fast. I wonder if the many many years they have been married have gone fast too. Sometimes I have to leave the room so I don't start crying when I see them together.

It reminds me of a quote from the start of Sweet Land, one of my favorite movies, and I believe, still streamable on Netflix. (I would like to make a snide comment about Quikster right now, but I have been reading Proverbs and am trying to learn to hold my tongue) Sweet Land helps me visually say what I believe to be the best in marriage. I told you a long time ago that I had some things I was learning from my car accident (and I don't think I am done learning yet) - one of them being that my husband meant his vows. That in sickness and in health, he is committed to me. Which is part of why I cry when I see the couple at work loving each other well after so many years - because I pray for the grace to be able to do that with Matt.

(As a side note, at some point in the near future, I would love to tell you about other movies I enjoy, but they are almost all documentaries because I am a wimp and can't handle much action/adventure when it comes to movies - so depending on your movie tastes, you may or may not want to read that post. Although I hope to compel you to open your mind to documentaries if they are not a favorite.)

Ruby sleeps on right now after her 1 year shots. And I pray to be able to write true things, and things that really are on my heart, and things I am going to want to remember. Things that will honor Matt and Ruby. Things that will help you know what a screw-up I can be lest I deceive you. Things said not to win your approval or more followers, but for the pleasure of God. Another favorite movie quote from Chariots of Fire, where the main character, an Olympian runner explains to his family that "when I run, I feel His [God's] pleasure." Well, when I write, I want to feel His pleasure of what I have to say.

A hope for this coming year is more posting. More pictures and more posting. But we'll see - I am still so slowly getting the hang of this parenting thing.

Happy Birthday Ruby

2011-10-06T19:54:00.001-07:00

Famine revisited

2011-09-27T06:41:00.000-07:00

I have written about this before... The title of my post is not all that creative, and may not attract any readers. But I have to talk about it again, my hands are shaking a little, and I have been in tears this morning, wanting to effectively and appropriately tell you about the continued famine in the Horn of Africa that falls off my radar at times, but the Lord is graciously reminding me about.

I sat down to open an envelope from an organization we believe in and admire for its mission and methods - Food for the Hungry. And the famine was brought to my attention again. And I asked the Lord "what can I do?" again. And though I have mentioned it here before, I thought I could do something different today.

The reason I was in tears this morning was just thinking about God's ways, that I don't understand - that at times I love, and at times I don't. And there's a lot of sorting through if you decide you want to start understanding God's ways, but instead of asking myself why I am sitting here in a house with a full fridge and a daughter sleeping with a full belly, I thought it would be better for now to just move on to what I can do.

I can tell you about the letter I received - that I believe is an answer to prayer. The U.S. Agency for International Development is providing a matching grant to any money given to Food for the Hungry ..... $1 equals $20!!!!!

So if you chose to give even $5, it would become $100 of aid for the people in Kenya, Ethiopia and Somalia. I am mathematically challenged, but even I can understand that this grant is a huge deal!

And there are many other organizations that are also incredibly worthwhile to donate to - I have mentioned Compassion International before as well. And you may be able to tell me about others - please do so!

And I can ask you if you would simply consider posting some sort of information about the famine on your blog, or tweeting, or facebooking (an acceptable verb? I sort of doubt it). The BBC website is an excellent resource for information about the famine - http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-14249733. Be aware that if you do start reading more thoroughly on the site, there are some pictures of the people and children who are malnourished that are painful in fact to see. I don't know if it's weird to ask you to consider posting in your own places. But I am reminding myself - you don't have to read my blog if you don't like this. And you don't have to pass on info if you don't want to. So please don't be offended by the nature of my posting today, but in my home in Kansas, with my napping child, I thought it does not hurt to tell my friends and family what is important to me today. Thanks for letting me share.

I also thought I could ask anyone who likes to pray to consider joining me in praying, when I sit down to eat to lift up a small prayer for the people affected by the drought. My friend Kelsey even taught me about something her dad calls "arrow prayers" - I may miss the gist of it, but just kind of like shooting a thought up in the air about somebody you care about, may not even have specific words to go with it, but just a three time a day reminder to myself that there are people who are in need. I am thankful we can pray to a God who calls himself a Provider. And I am thankful that He asked us, His people, to join Him in sharing what He has generously given us.

What are you waiting for?

2011-09-20T09:43:00.000-07:00

A side note that I have been listening to Shaun Groves' Third World Symphony CD repeatedly over the last week and am enjoying it so much..... if you are looking for some new music:)

The little girl will be waking up soon because her naps are short because her ears have been hurting her because of an ear infection. It's funny how those words were somewhat meaningless to me, or at least I was pretty clueless about their impact, until this weekend when they took over our household....

So, I will very quickly tell you what I have been thinking about a lot. I believe that sometimes there are parts of the Bible, verses, or even words, that take on more significance to each of us, and that this is one of the ways God can speak to us. So, some words that I have been thinking about for awhile now, I finally took the chance to look up -

From Hosea 12:6a Message version,

"What are you waiting for?"

From Acts 22:16a Message version,

"What are you waiting for? Get up...."

From Luke 5:25, Message version, when the paralytic is told to get up -

"Without a moment's hesitation, he did it - got up, took his blanket, and left for home, giving glory to God all the way"

From Romans 8 Message version,

"Get on with your new life"

And to me, when I think about "What are you waiting for?" it reminds me how often I stop myself from doing something because of fear. A silly example - but I am wanting to make this (but maybe a little more fallish)...

http://go.tipjunkie.com/dc/1321/www.cornerhouseblog.com/2011/06/awesome-paper-wreath.html

And I am scared to, since I am not really a crafter. Since I don't own a hot glue gun:) (Pretty easily remedied I think!) Typing it makes it seem even a little more silly, but I think this is just one example in my life. What else am I not doing out of fear? A friend pointed out last week that it might be helpful to ask myself, "What is the worst that could happen?" When I added corn to the soup last night because I hadn't made enough chicken (I don't like not following recipes or improvising....) - you know what, it actually turned out fine. If I say hi to my neighbor that I am intimidated to talk to, what is the worst that could happen? She looks at me blankly? She doesn't say hi back? What would happen if I stopped hitting the brakes on life all the time?

So in small ways, I am trying to start fighting the urge to let fear be in control. I am adding corn to the soup. I am going to buy a hot glue gun. And I am hoping that this will translate into bigger things. Kind of become a habit. Maybe open the door to adventure, possibility and most important to me, seeing God at work? The rest of Romans 8 in the message says "There are things to do and places to go!" Amen.

Wenonga and September

2011-09-13T09:24:00.001-07:00

I started an email to friends awhile back by letting them know that when I write the word "September", I am also singing along in my head to Earth, Wind and Fire.... (You can listen as you read if you like). I used to dislike the fall, but something happened in recent years. It is just such a special time of year to me anymore. Lots of memories - among the top, I am thankful for my time at Wenonga. For a year and a half, I had the pleasure of living with some friends in a house on Wenonga, while I was in graduate school. Five years ago, I had started my fall semester of my first year of PT school, and I was in the throes of human anatomy (complete with cadaver lab that had me in tears prior to my first lab - sitting in the hall, crying about trying to make it through that first 4 hour afternoon - amazing how insurmountable that class felt, and now I am sitting here still able to remember what formaldehyde smelled like on my clothes). I don't think I was a very fun person to be around at the time. I distinctly remember having the thought that nobody would want to date me while a graduate student as I felt like there was no time to get to know somebody. My roommates were good to me though, and instead of allowing me to study one Saturday night, insisted I come along with them to the American Royal to hang out with some of their friends. Where I met Matt Totsch. From four girls and two dogs, we became five girls and one dog. I could write about so many memories from that time - a vacuum explosion, raking leaves, Blakely's coffee cake on Saturday mornings, watching the Office together, Gunner insatiably wanting cuddles. These girls graciously celebrated when Matt and I got engaged and then when we got married. Last year, we were celebrating at our good friends Julie and Scott's wedding, with Ruby in my tummy (about a week or two away from entering the world).

I miss them and the blessing it was to live with them. I hold special memories of Crystal practicing aerobics moves in our living room, of Natalie kindly helping me do my hair because I never could, of Sara listening to a story, of Blakely coming to study alongside me, of Megan's generous heart.... Allow some sappiness for a minute, but I would not be the wife and mom I am today without the influence of their friendship. And I thank them for that sweet season in life.

Ramblings....

2011-09-08T14:54:00.000-07:00

We have a walker in the house now - a 15 stepper, no guts, no glory, little peanut who thinks she's big stuff when she takes off across the room.... and she is. She keeps revealing little aspects of her personality - the later in the day it gets, the more of a daredevil she becomes. Almost like an overtired happy little track runner, sort of - hands waving wildly up in the air, steps getting faster and faster to get where she intends to go....

I listened to a song a lot when Ruby was first born by Chris Rice called "Untitled Hymn". It has a part when the lyrics talk about a baby learning to walk - singing about "remember when we walk, sometimes we fall....so fall on Jesus." I have thought about that part of the song often as I've watched this process - because while she's learning to walk, Ruby falls many, many, many times. And she gets up over and over again. Except when she's tired, or the fall was too hard and then she reaches up for one of us.

I looked at my "stats" just now on my blog and felt a mix of emotions - one part of me thought, wow, compared to so-and-so I don't have that many views (honest part). The other part of me laughed because somebody in Alaska has viewed our little blog, and I don't know why, but I just enjoy that.

I have been reading some things lately that have me thinking - a book by Ann Voskamp called One Thousand Gifts and a friend's blog where she regularly writes her posts about what she is grateful for. And I think God is trying to tell me something as I read these things. But I also think He told me something a long time ago, when I read something written by John and Stasi Eldgredge - "You have one life to live. It would be best to live your own."

It is a very small, simple example and maybe an odd comparison - but watching Ruby fall reminds me of my attempts at blogging. Because in blogging, I am attempting to talk about what I see, what I am learning, where we are going, what I feel like Jesus is saying to me. Sometimes I do it well. Sometimes I make it where I intend to go when I start out. And sometimes I am being myself, and sometimes I am not.

So I come back to remind myself that this blog does not have to be like anyone else's. I am glad somebody from Alaska wandered in here (accidentally? welcome!), but I really enjoyed stumbling across this on Ann Voskamp's site... A Blogger's Prayer. As a physical therapist, they told us in school that we would start watching people walk. That sounds kind of creepy - but that we would notice the differences between how different people take steps to get somewhere. And Ruby is going to have a different way of getting somewhere than me, than Matt, than anyone else out there. A unique gait. I hope that as she is learning this that her mama is learning that it is OK that her gait is unique too. That my walk through life is going to be different than anyone else's. That what I choose to share here can be my own.

I didn't really think out this post when I started it. Which is sort of unlike me. But feels a little daredevil myself. And I may not sit here and reread it ten times to see if I like how it sounds, and check it for typos, and rework it. For today, I am just going to hit "publish" and be glad.

Date Night

2011-08-25T09:24:00.001-07:00

I have some things on my mind - I am thinking about a family whose baby was admitted to the hospital. I am thinking about a family member going through a difficult time. I am thinking about how I am not good at knowing how to think of weighty circumstances without letting them be the lens of looking at life. So in light of this, I feel that it is very important to go ahead and tell you about.... our most recent date night. Because sometimes it helps to smile, or laugh, or at least enjoy again a fun memory. And that's what blogging is also about, isn't it?

For our most recent date night, Matt and I were debating what to do... we turned to a favorite place for ideas for what to do on the weekends - http://www.kansascityonthecheap.com/

It seriously has led us to some winners - Symphony in the Park over Labor day weekend, a blues festival in KCK two summers ago that we loved, a hot air balloon festival. And FREE. Well, KC on the cheap did not fail us this time either - we discovered that the Johnson County Fair was going on the same night we were looking for something to do and decided that a trip to Gardner, KS was well worth the effort for the promised (free) fun.

We were not disappointed. In fact, my expectations were surpassed. And I enjoyed again the fact that I am still learning things about my husband. And he is learning things about me. Like the fact that despite my four years of living in small town, Arkansas, I am still a city slicker at heart. Here are some snippets of our conversation as we walked around....

Me: What is that noise?

Matt: Those are pigs (looking slightly humored that I did not identify said sound).

Me: Why is nobody else taking pictures of all of this?

Matt: (No comment - just smiling)

Me: Matt, that sheep looks like he's mad and dangerous, you shouldn't get too close....

Matt:

Me: Maybe I should not have worn ballet flats to the fair (while dodging all matters of things on the ground amidst the gravel, and noticing that many other people in fact have cowboy boots on)

Me: What is a demo derby?

At which point my husband lights up. We walk towards the entrance to the arena to find out that this strange event that I am not familiar with has been sold out. I continue to remain confused what is causing my husband such delight, and would be so worthy of a packed, anticipating crowd. We walk to a little hill overlooking the arena so Matt can show me. In a nearby parking lot, I notice some beater cars getting their engines started.... At which point, Matt explains that this is a demolition derby, not a demonstration derby as I had thought. He tells me that these cars I am watching are about to run into each other. On purpose. To a girl who has been in a car accident, this sounds like a dumb idea. But the "dumb idea" has sold out a crowd. I am seeing grown men crawl under the chain fence to get in to watch the show. I am amazed at little boys cheering as cars go crashing into each other, with their skinny arms raised victoriously into the air, as if this is what life is all about. And I am watching Matt enjoy himself immensely. I think partially because of the derby, but partially because his wife had no idea that such a concept existed.

We had a great time. We walked around. We watched little kids climb onto carnival rides, looking tough and scared at the same time. (I couldn't help but be reminded of the scene in The Sandlot when the boys go to get on a similar ride after beating the rival team in town and celebrating with some snuff - thankfully nothing like that occurred this evening, at least that I witnessed).

And we finished off the night with a delicious funnel cake. While waiting in line for one of my favorite summer treats, I got one more moment of "introduction to another life" when for the first time I saw that what I had heard about was true:

There really are such things as fried twinkies, fried oreos, and fried snickers. Thank you, Matt Totsch, for a great date night.

Famine

2011-08-13T12:52:00.000-07:00

I have been wondering how to talk about this. I am normally super-late on any world events given our lack of cable television, no newspaper, and the fact that I don't take the time to typically check current events online. As I have been reading our friend Lee Anne's blog, however, I have started to follow more about the famine that is occurring in the Horn of Africa. Something new is going on in my heart. I cared about Joplin. I cared about the earthquake in Haiti. But I wake up in the morning thinking about this famine. I can't explain why - maybe because we sponsor children that live in Ethiopia through Food for the Hungry. And I talk to Matt about it. And I get frustrated that I feel like I can do so little - I can't hop on a plane right now to go offer help. I don't know that our little blog will garner much attention to help spread the word about this crisis. And our financial situation feels so limited, thank you graduate school loans.... but is it?

That's what's getting to me - I feel like there must be something I can do. And I have started to just mull over ideas - smile at them, but I am serious. These ideas run the gamut, and many seem so unlikely - do I have a lemonade stand to raise money? That seems like it would work better if I were in elementary school. Is there anything I can sell to raise money? My wedding dress? The amount I might earn for it, in its un-drycleaned state doesn't seem to be worth the sadness I feel thinking about getting rid of it. Can I change my spending habits to free up money to use in other ways? This is the idea that is getting to me - I think about it often. And I wanted to talk about it here but without it being in a condemning, self-righteous way that would leave others feeling judged or guilty. Especially since I spent a few hours this morning at the Legends buying clothes with the gift card that my kind in-laws gave me for my birthday but I misplaced until this week.... I'll save my memory problems for another post.

I have more questions than I have answers. Could I give up eating meals out? Could I give up my beloved Chai or Dr. Pepper that really are an unnecessary part of my day? How do I think about others starving while I am throwing out food that has gone bad just sitting in our refrigerator?

My brain cannot grapple with how it is healthy and good and part of living life to the full to enjoy a date night out with my husband tonight while it is also healthy and loving and part of sharing in the heart of Jesus to care for orphans and widows in their distress. I cannot reconcile these ideas. I feel like I am ungracefully trying to explain something that I don't understand.

All I know for sure is that my heart is stirred - I know that Jesus feasted with friends (and enemies), but he also said that whatever we do for the least, it is as if we were doing so for Him.

Lord, my life is so out of balance sometimes..... but you know my heart. You know I am not wishing to condemn, myself or others. You know that I truly want to see your kingdom and your will done here in Kansas and in Somalia and in my heart. Lord, clear away the confusion.... show us your ways O Lord, teach us your paths, guide us in your truth and teach us, for you are God, our Savior and our hope is in you all day long.

Also, to maybe be a little more light-hearted to end....

check out the First World Problems rap

The Other Side of the Story

2011-08-06T07:12:00.000-07:00

Matt got back from Kearney, and we are (for the most part) more sane again. We were talking about his experience, different aspects of the trip, such as flying, going through security, etc.

We were laughing thinking back to our trip to New Jersey in April....I shared in a post a little bit about our time in the Newark airport. But I did not share the full story. Because it was not funny at the time. Thankfully it is now. After that sweet encounter with the girl from Morocco, and getting to be reminded of life being bigger than my own little world, I quickly jumped back into a much smaller, skewed perspective. The girl went back from her lunch break to work, and I sat there a few minutes, a very few minutes before Matt came up with some news. That our plane to KC that had been delayed several hours was actually cancelled due to weather. That we were instead, supposed to BOOK IT through security (with stroller and car seat and baby and paraphenalia) to a flight to Chicago where we were to stay overnight before getting on another plane early the next day to KC because that was our only option if we wanted to fly out of NJ for the next 5 days (all other flights being booked apparently). So just to review the situation, my peaceful rainy afternoon at the airport with my family now entailed a "Home Alone"-like run through the airport to try to catch a plane to Chicago with our 6 month old, where we did not have lodging (nor was the airline responsible to help us find any), where our luggage would not be (because it was lost in the bowels of the Newark luggage system), where I only had enough diapers and formula in the carryon to last us through the evening, and where I had not planned on going. I know that I can be a little high strung, but these events caused me to lose it. In the security line where many other people were also in similar predicaments. It caused me to cry hysterically. And to act in a childish, frustrated tantrum, mostly out of concern for how we were going to take care of Ruby in these circumstances - maybe slightly justified? I also think these hysterics won me a trip through the new-fangled x-ray machine in the security line, that I only found out later can apparently see through your clothing. It is probably a good thing I only found this out after I had passed through it, or I might have created even more of a scene, which probably would not have helped anything. (The end of the story involved 6 more hours at the airport before being booked on a flight to KC for the next day and getting to stay one extra night with my mom - everything worked out in the end). But thinking back to my tears in the security line caused Matt and I a good chuckle this week. And I told him that I had only told you about half the story that day, as I met the young woman on her lunch break - and we agreed that the other half of the story should not be forgotten either. I am very thankful to the Lord that memories are usually funnier, or gentler, or less unkind to us than the original situation. At the time - not funny. Now - funny.

I also only shared half the story of Matt being gone on the Kearney trip. Because Ruby and I did pretty well most of the weekend with Matt gone. A little lonely. A little bored. But it was Sunday night, after I had posted that I had another moment - on my way home from church, when I had decided that I had earned the right to a lovely Reese's cup concrete from Sheridan's for my hard work over the weekend. And Ruby decided that she was tired of being in her car seat and began to fuss. Strongly. To the point where it was either my daughter's happiness or my sweet tooth that were going to win out. And I believe I made the right mom decision by just going home and foregoing my concrete (which my husband took me for the next night anyway). But I was angry at that specific moment when I had to keep driving instead of heading to Sheridans. A week later, definitely not a big deal. How is it though that in the moment, feelings can be so strong, decisions can feel so enormous? I don't really like admitting the other half of my stories sometimes, especially on our blog. Our friend Jami would strongly applaud the sharing of the other half. Being indecisive, it is hard for me to decide what to share at times, what would be interesting, what we will want to remember some day, what to allow others to see of our lives. I guess what I am praying that I learn right now is something I was reading the other day, that I should behave or make decisions as I would wish I had when I am 80.... which "in the moment" is not always the easiest to do. Working with 80 year olds three days a week makes it a little easier to picture what I hope I turn out like if the Lord chooses to let me see 80. Guess I just wanted to share a little glimpse of my thoughts with you.

Kearney trip

2011-07-31T15:08:00.001-07:00

There is an event that happens every year called the Kearney trip. My husband gets together with his college buddies, and they have a blast. I am rounding out my last few hours of the Kearney weekend, Matt is on his way back as we speak. I have enjoyed this time with Ruby - I tried to take pictures of her crawling and standing to share, but she is pretty much on the move most of the time, and it's a little difficult to get a non-blurry picture. So I posted these instead. I am pretty excited for her to see her daddy and vice versa. Because as you can tell from these pictures, they have an awfully good time together. He is pretty gifted when it comes to entertaining her. And me. We sometimes get to meet him for lunch at Chick-fil-a, and it is a highlight of everyone's day. I asked Matt to be serious for one picture, but it just kept getting less so:) I told him that Ruby will not have a "normal" picture of them together when she gets older. He does not seemed too concerned. And I think she will love the pictures just the same, maybe even more.

Summer so far....

2011-07-26T08:21:00.000-07:00

I have been procrastinating blogging. Because the longer I go between posts, the more it overwhelms me to think about what to say. Do I summarize the last month? Or just say what is most relevant to me today? Do I include pictures? Since when did blogging become something to which feelings of obligation, or guilt, or duty were attached? So, since I have a little time while the Rubster sleeps, I felt like what I could handle today was bulleting....

Ruby's occupational therapy appointment went well. We are on the right track from that standpoint. Still continue to work on figuring out this whole solid food thing for my daughter. And feel pretty clueless at times. But I thank God that Ruby likes Stonyfield Organic Vanilla Whole Fat yogurt. It is the little victories..... Also, her favorite activity right now is cruising around on the furniture, albeit a little unsteadily, and it's pretty darn cute.
My husband is a treasure. Or a rock star. Or many other nice things I should say about him. He spent 11 hours outside on a Saturday two weeks ago to paint our house. In 90+ degree weather. And did not complain to me. And last night when my snoring (I only snore infrequently, when I am very very tired:) kept him from sleeping, he did not poke me until I woke up (which is what I do to him). I think he tried to wake me, and was unsuccessful because I was sleeping so hard. He simply moved out to the couch to try to get some sleep, poor guy. He allowed me to spend much time and energy preparing for a friend's baby shower this weekend, while he watched the little one. And my favorite thing about him these days, is that he helps me along - by this I mean, that when the comments I am making, or the things I am dwelling on, or the spinning in place starts happening, he gives me that little boost to move on. Sometimes I do not welcome it at the time. But I am so very thankful he loves me enough to do it.
And lastly, for today, wanted to share about our friends' new adventure: our friends are adopting from Ethiopia and need to raise another $625 in the next week to reach their first goal. They're doing a fundraiser here - http://babykautzi.blogspot.com/2011/07/puzzle-fundraiser-because-were-cool.html - sponsor a puzzle piece for $10 and help bring their small one home!" We love them, and we love their hearts, and we love that once a week Ruby gets to spend the day with Kelsey and Lila while I work, we are so very thankful for the Kautzis.

On the eve of more therapy.....

2011-06-27T20:00:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I get to be in a new role. I received physical therapy earlier this year for a fractured sternum. Now tomorrow, Matt and I are taking Ruby for a feeding evaluation with an occupational therapist. We get the opportunity to have someone sit down with us and talk and observe our little one eating, and I am very thankful. Since we started cereal shortly after Ruby turned 4 months old, and the pediatrician gave us the go ahead, I have stressed about Ruby's eating. And since I learned my little one was in fact a little one, around this time last summer, I have stressed about her weight. So while both my husband and my daughter sleep, I am up just kind of thinking, anticipating, praying, hoping.
As you can tell from her pictures, Ruby looks healthy and happy. From a developmental standpoint, no concerns. She is learning to crawl (backwards right now, I love it! she bumps into things and it is so darn cute). She claps her hands. But she is not a solid foods girl. Yet - I should add. When people say, "Oh, there is no way, she'll end up heading off to college on a bottle," there is a small part of me that inwardly dies and wonders, "What if they are wrong?" Irrational, I know, but honest.
So I have played out scenarios in my head, when the kind OT working with us tomorrow gives us her input - she may say I have a strong-willed daughter. She may say that once we start finger foods, Ruby may do much better. She may say that we need to change some things.
But as I am typing, I am realizing one thing she is not going to say, but I have been saying to myself for the last five months, and I will preface it by acknowledging that it is one big fat lie, but when you believe those lies, they sound like truth - "Kathleen, since you are fundamentally flawed, of course you have managed to figure out a way to keep Ruby from getting the nourishment she needs." I know, I already wrote that this statement is a lie, but when it's floating around in my head, or when we sit down together as a family and spend a meal trying to encourage Ruby to open her mouth for a bite of apples, it sounds true. Not easy admitting on a blog (that I am not sure who reads) that I believe at times that I am fundamentally flawed, but I know it affects me and those two sleeping dear ones of mine. Do we all believe that? I don't know - not something I have really asked others before....
And I have also realized for awhile now, that I don't mind telling other people I will pray for them, and I am willing to even pray some pretty outrageous, radical things for others. But when it comes to my own requests to God, be they simple or otherwise, I balk. I don't know how to pray about Ruby learning how to eat. I am afraid to ask God for something and be disappointed because it may lead me to add evidence to another lie that he does not care about me. WHICH IS NOT TRUE. So, on the eve of occupational therapy, I wanted to pray:

Father, thank you that you are a Father - you know what it is like to be a parent. Thank you for being the one who formed Ruby inside me, who perfectly knit her together. Who perfectly knit me together. I acknowledge that you are good. And you are loving. And you do not mind me praying about this evaluation tomorrow, in fact, you are delighted that I want to talk to you. Will you remind me that Ruby is your child? That you hold all things together, and you are making all things new? I have been praying almost daily for her since she was born that she would receive EACH DAY the nourishment she needs to grow strong, so do not let me doubt that you have heard that prayer and are answering it. Forgive me for believing lies that you do not care. Please give our OT insight into how she/we can help Ruby best. Please show me how to introduce foods that my daughter will enjoy eating. Please protect her from choking on the ones that are hard for her to eat right now. And please help me remember that she is her own person, that she may do things in her own time line, that she has been entrusted to us by you, for this time, to care for - ultimately, she is yours. Help me trust you and believe your love for Ruby, and your love for me. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Father's Day

2011-06-16T16:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I am a little early on the Father's Day wishes. But in a rare moment of by-myself-ness, I just wanted to say Happy Father's Day to Matt Totsch. I am debating whether what I will say would be better off in a card, what is my need to share this with any one who may be reading? I'm not totally sure. I guess I just want you to know this about him - I want to publicly acknowledge the gift that is my husband and Ruby's dad. Ruby Totsch is blessed with one incredible daddy. He will make her laugh so hard someday that milk will come out of her nose. He will teach her so much, how to correctly drill a hole in a wall (something that her mom does not know how to do and is banned from attempting:) ; he will teach her that spicy food is delicious; he will teach her not to press control-alt-delete on the computer ten times in a row to get it to unfreeze since this accomplishes nothing; he will teach her how to be generous; and one of my favorites is that he will teach her what it looks like to have faith in the goodness of God. I feel like I need to retype that. One of my favorite things about Matt is how he believes that God is faithful and good, and reminds me of those true things. And Matt himself, in trying to live out his beliefs, is teaching Ruby and me what it looks like to be faithful.
This is a favorite moment from the past year - one week old Ruby decides she does not want to go to sleep for what seemed like hours one early early morning (or late late night).... so Matt lets his daughter fall asleep on him, so his wife can get a break. And makes the most of the situation by continuing in his at-the-time ongoing quest to defeat Angry Birds. That's how I would describe you, Matt, you make the most of every situation. Happy Father's Day!
Love,
Wifey

Thank you, Marilynne Robinson

2011-05-19T10:42:00.000-07:00

I have some shout outs today.

Thank you, Jami Nato, for the wonderful pictures of our family including the ones you see here today. www.thenatos.blogspot.com

Above is a picture of one of Matt's favorite things to do with Ruby; we call it "helicoptering." I'm not sure who loves it more, Matt or Ruby. And when I see him do this, or give her a bottle, or cuddle her close even though he is not a cuddler by nature, or think back to when she was first born and we were in the hospital, and he was so proud of her, and happy, and would sing the chorus to "Ruby Soho" to her over and over (thank you, Rancid, for giving my husband a song he could sing unashamedly to his daughter)..... I am reminded of something Marilynne Robinson wrote in her book, Gilead. I can't find the exact quote right now, and the character who spoke it was a man, so hence the paraphrasing to fit my need for words:

I never thought I'd see a [husband] of mine doting on a child of mine.

Thank you, Marilynne Robinson, for putting into words what I feel on a daily basis.

I have been enjoying looking back at old journals lately, when I am about to fall asleep at night. (After all, there was a time in my life when there was no such thing as blogging or even e-mail, and we used to write things down with pen and paper. Can't wait to tell Ruby someday that I used to sit in computer class in middle school and make a little "turtle" move around on the screen. Anyone else remember that?) The journal I am reading right now is from when Matt and I first started dating. I remember not being sure what to think of Matt. By this, I mean - nobody had ever wanted to get to know me the way he did. Nobody had ever treated me as well as he did. Nobody had ever looked to put my best interests first like he did. And I remember being afraid to trust Matt and his interest in me because no one had ever proven trustworthy before. And we have laughed reading about and remembering how I still wasn't totally sure we were actually dating, not realizing that Matt was already starting to consider marriage. I had trouble enjoying my relationship with him at first because I was so afraid of being hurt again.

Not that my husband is perfect, or our relationship has been perfect; not that I was treated very terribly before Matt - forgive me if my simple comparison makes an experience of another seem more painful. But the way Matt came into my life compared to any experience with dating before that can best be explained by my daughter's Bible....

I need to go back first and tell you about this Bible -

A present from our friend Kelsey at one of our baby showers. (That is not my hand - and a shout out to Courtney Perkins, for more wonderful pictures). I like to read this book to Ruby, and I cry sometimes because the way it shares the story of Jesus is beautiful. While I was reading the story in this Bible about the book of Revelation to my daughter (pretty crazy that a children's bible would tackle such stuff; also note that I read it to her more for my enjoyment at this point than hers), I read a statement that again helped me put into words what I think at times. The context is a man named John, a friend of Jesus, writing about the future, a dream that he believed, and I believe will one day come true -

And [John] knew, in some mysterious way that would be hard to explain, that everything was going to be more wonderful for once having been so sad.

And I started crying because I have seen this to be true in my life. My relationship with Matt is more wonderful because there were times before I met him when I was extremely sad and did not believe anyone would ever love me well.

And I even go on to believe that not only is this statement true in this example, but that it will be true in each of our individual experiences of sadness, as horrible as some of them may have been, but also on a universal, history of the world level. I wanted to share these things for some reason because it is easy to forget how special a husband is at times when a sternum has healed, and no major catastrophes are looming. It is also easy to forget when that sternum had not yet healed, and there do seem to be major catastrophes that things are" going to be more wonderful for having been so sad". And there are areas of life where we are waiting still to see this become true.

Thank you, Jesus Storybook Bible, for showing me a little more truth to turn to - to be thankful for what God has done in my life so far, and to by His grace, turn to whenever sadness seems more present than hope.

Empty buildings

2011-04-28T12:11:00.000-07:00

I have felt this way for awhile - I don't like empty buildings. I told Matt they make me sad. What I mean is that when I see a row of stores at Prairie Village sitting empty, or the former Wild Oats store on Johnson drive, or a half-filled strip mall out south, while a new one is being built 50 feet away (sorry construction industry), I get sad. I wish we could use what we already have.

I have been hearing good news of friends who are thinking about or even preparing to move down to Kansas City, KS. To homes and streets that need to be filled. I have a few thoughts that go along with this -

1. It makes sense. I love that about God, that He makes sense - that is one of the things that first deepened my desire to know God. Not that He always makes sense, but to me, if He cares for the fatherless and the refugee and the broken, then He would care for Kansas City, KS. And He would want His people to care as well. The church community that we are a part of has clung to a passage in Isaiah 61 as a guide for who Christ is and what He wants to do - that He wants to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom and release from darkness..... to go on with those verses, those very same people who are broken and captive and prisoners (meaning us in our ongoing need to have Jesus carrying out His mission in our own hearts) - we become "oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of HIS splendor.... to rebuild the "places long devastated," .... to become "restorers of streets with dwellings." Wow. And our hope and belief is that when He plants us, by His power and His Spirit, He will in turn help others to learn these things about Him.

2. It is humbling to write it here, but I have seen my pride rear itself as I hear stories of people moving. Because it is something Matt and I have considered. And unfortunately, as my friend Kelsey and I have discussed, I have (as do most of us?) this desire to do "something different, something unique" - not to go along with the crowd. Is this part of our generation? It sounds silly but I admit that I have even felt this way as I have heard that the name "Ruby" is not as unique these days as Matt and I thought it would be. But did we really pick it to be different? Or did we pick it because it is a beautiful name for our beautiful daughter? So when I hear of other friends moving to KCK, I confess that I think about what if we were to move there (IF) and people would think we were just following the crowd? So it seems there is some work to be done in my heart:)

3. Which leads me to my last observation - which should probably be my first. All I can say for sure right now is that Matt and I have been feeling like we need to start getting our house ready in case we want to sell it at some point. To my planning, control-loving self, this feels very safe - I can explain to myself that home improvement can take as long as we want, that this may go on for years (probably not, but I'm just trying to make small steps here). We put in new windows that actually open which has been really nice (our former ones didn't). We hope to paint the outside soon - it will be sad to be rid of the orange door of course. We don't know where or when we will move. But we want to be ready. Actually one of us does know where he wants to move - the other one needs some convincing from the Lord. But you might just point me back to my own post today. And the fact that I don't like empty buildings. And my husband loves home improvement projects. And we want to follow God where He is leading us, in His timing.

Newark airport

2011-04-19T19:52:00.000-07:00

Matt and Ruby and I got to go visit my mom in New Jersey this past week to celebrate her birthday. Through some weather related events, we got to spend a significant amount of time in the Newark airport on Saturday and Sunday. At one point, we were just hanging out in the food court, passing time, and watching it rain outside. It was pretty fun to sit there the three of us hanging out, with the airplanes going and coming, and being able to just enjoy waiting.

While we were sitting there, a girl who works in this food court sat down to take her lunch break. She looked over at us several times and smiled (I was holding Ruby at this point while she slept and while Matt was off exploring). She commented on the cuteness of our baby. Sometimes I get really shy when strangers start talking to me, especially if it's about Ruby. For some reason though, I wanted to talk with her because she was sitting all by herself eating her lunch. I hate seeing people all by themselves eating (although sometimes they want to be). But in this case, she seemed like she would enjoy just having someone to pass the time with.

We talked about a lot in the space of ten minutes. I learned that she moved from Morocco about four months ago. That she works a 2-10pm shift most days of the week, while her husband works a 5am-2pm shift. That she is paying a crazy amount of money in rent every month because that's what happens in New Jersey. That she wants to go to school for nursing, but is not sure how to manage classes plus working full time.

Then I started learning some more as I feel like she opened up more. She told me how she had met her husband; it was a few days before their wedding that they met, and from my limited understanding it sounded like their fathers had coordinated this. She almost seemed apologetic or even ashamed about this, and I felt so much compassion and almost ashamed in return that she could feel judged by me about her decision. Not to make any kind of statement to stir controversy, or to downplay a woman's rights, or any of that - but I wanted to tell her that I thought it was pretty amazing how she honored her family's customs. That I believe that in marriage, there must at some point be a decision made to love (a book by Gary Smalley by that title really has shaped my thinking about this), and that I believe that seems pretty cool that she and her husband were agreeing to do that from the start. I don't know why, but this conversation has just come back over and over in my mind. To wonder how she thought I perceived her decisions in this area and if she has faced judgment from others regarding her story.

And the other part of our conversation that I cannot let go of is when she asked me - "Is it this hard for everyone?" I think meaning, this living, working, trying to make ends meet, trying to get to know others, trying to figure out life here in the United States - "is it this hard for everyone?" I didn't know what to say. I said I think that for many people it is not easy. But I didn't know what else to say. And her lunch break ended, and I didn't think to ask for her email, or to tell her that I would pray for her. I unfortunately cannot remember how to spell or say her name. But I want to pray for her. Through involvement at Mission Adelante in the last year, my heart has been stirred for people who have moved to our country and now is even more drawn to pray for this girl and her husband learning to live in New Jersey without family nearby or much of a support network. I want to tell you guys about her, and write about our conversation because I don't want to forget about it. I don't want to forget to pray. I am not sure exactly what to pray even. I hope it's OK to tell her story here - I hope that she would not mind it as I think I walked away impacted far more than she may ever have guessed. May the Lord direct our hearts into his love and Christ's perseverance.

Six months and spring.....

2011-04-05T15:18:00.000-07:00

Ruby will be six months old on Thursday. What? I almost started tearing up earlier thinking about the day she was born, after learning of my friend Jennifer's new baby girl Rachel Anne who arrived on Friday (which also made cry). Reminded me how amazing to hear the doctor say "It's a girl." How awesome it was to hold my baby for the first time.

Since I've last posted, I have no idea where time has gone, not sure I can remember what we've been up to, let alone recount it here. I am able to say that I completed my own physical therapy last week and am thankful for the experience and thankful to be done:) To think that I make elderly people exercise like that..... makes me feel even wimpier than I already did. But I also know how they feel now that I feel like I am stronger, and can carry my daughter in her car seat ( a major goal post-accident). Today was my first attempt at doing errands with Ruby again. Thankful for the kind Hen House employee who helped us to the car with our groceries (so I can make this! http://thepioneerwoman.com/tasty-kitchen/recipes/main-courses/chicken-souvlaki-pita-with-tzatziki/?print=1#) super excited to try it - a good friend also recently posted a tzatziki recipe on her blog - maybe it's time to be adventurous?). I just need to ask that there be no judging that I shopped at Hen House today - I didn't like doing it necessarily, but it felt manageable, and some days that is what I need. I wanted to shop somewhere more diverse, more reasonable price-wise, but some days Prairie Village Hen House can be a blessing.

I also had an encounter with the well-meaning voting volunteer lady who told me to just plop that car seat up on the table in front of her where she would watch my daughter for me while I voted. I did so, and stood about ten feet away attempting to focus on voting, while really thinking to myself, "I just left my daughter with a stranger"; it doesn't matter that this is Fairway, KS, and the volunteer looks like someone's sweet grandma, and Ruby was 10 feet away. I then proceeded to speed through voting in order to go rescue my daughter, and I am not really sure I voted for who I meant to vote for - but at least I attempted! I give myself a pat on the back for making the effort.

The cheeks are still here. Ruby, some day are you going to hate that your daddy and I loved your cheeks so much? Because they are one of my favorite things about you. I just have to share. I used to hate when my parents would talk about my enormous baby cheeks - I can understand both sides now.

Saturday mornings

2011-03-12T06:30:00.000-08:00

I love Saturday mornings. Almost as much as I love Friday nights. The whole weekend ahead. Matt and I typically trade off who gets up early with Ruby - today was my turn. (The tricky part is when we can't remember whose turn it is to get up, and I turn to Matt half awake and ask "Do you want to help her?" which actually can be interpreted as "I want you to help her." I am trying to get better at this whole communication thing).

Ruby usually falls back asleep pretty quickly, and voila! Time to blog. And drink chai, and wait for my husband to wake up. (I have to clarify the "voila" - it was a little bit tongue in cheek. Also because I love words that sound different than they look). Once Matt wakes up, we usually watch the past week's episode of "Parks and Rec", and I get to hear my husband laugh which he loves to do, and I love to hear. (If you have not watched Parks and Rec before, go to nbc.com, and pull up Season Three. Or if you are blessed with Netflix, I would recommend starting with Season Two, better character development).

I just put Ruby back to bed - another "first" this week, Ruby's first cold. Here's the thing about you, Ruby - you're congested, and coughing, and wake yourself up because you can't breathe very well, and there's mucus everywhere. But you have been happy (for the most part, except when we use the dreaded nose-suction-blue-bulb-what-do-I-call-it-thing on you). So that would make me believe that you must not be too sick. But the part of me that is beginning to feel like I know you really well thinks that you have been blessed with your daddy's optimistic disposition, and that cold or no cold, it's a new day, and you've got things to put in your mouth and bottles to drink and both your parents home and what's not to love about all of that? (I am also realizing that many of the pictures that I post of Ruby are of her in her Bumbo seat.... I will come back to this).

The other thing that I am learning about you Ruby is that you, my love, are a fighter - let me explain. When I do put that dreaded blue-bulb-suctiony thing (in my mind, I am being reminded of the scene in Elf where Buddy calls the mail room delivery tube "very sucky", so I am laughing to myself and thinking that would be a good word to use too). OK - when I put that up to your nose to try to get it clear (sorry for the description if this is gross to hear about my daughter's runny nose), you arch back and complain and make it oh so clear that you want nothing to do with that. And when your daddy has the task of cleaning your nose, or when he is observing me do it, either way, he cheers you on and says, "Yeah, fight it, Ruby" - which is odd that he would say this when it is his turn, but still.... I think he's on to something. I am not sure that I can pin point it, but I think that God has given you a spirit that is not going to be easily squelched. Also something you have inherited from your daddy. I can't wait to get to know this side of you better.

I am learning things too. Or maybe rediscovering them. That I love language and words, and sometimes wish I had been a linguistics major in college. That I love using parentheses to clarify what I am saying, which might make reading some of my paragraphs a little more challenging, but at least you know what I am trying to say. That I love telling you why the pictures I post turn out the way they do - that I want to learn how to take better pictures, or edit them or something. (See Robin in previous post. See dark picture of Ruby up above). Getting back to my Bumbo pictures, it's because when I try to take pictures of Ruby sitting anywhere else, it gets tricky holding her with one hand, and trying to take the picture with the other. Here is Ruby playing with some of the presents my thoughtful college friends sent her/me - yes, there is a peppermint patty in the picture but no I did not let her eat it. Or smoosh it even since I want to eat it. Picture taken with me trying to prop her up with one hand while she leans forward to try to put her mouth on these cherished objects. And I am still thinking about the last six weeks since the accident. And not ready to think about me returning to work on Monday. And you have woken up, I can hear you in your room, and I can't wait to go get you.

Round robin

2011-02-22T17:16:00.000-08:00

It has been a blessing to have this extra time around you Ruby the last few weeks while I am healing. (And praise God I am able to carry you again!)

I have recently realized how amazing I think your hands are. You are getting really good at using them. Look at those little chubby dimpled fingers. We read together, and you are starting to like to touch the books (and put them in your mouth). I love watching you open your mouth and start moving towards your target, ready to explore everything - instead of you bringing things up to your mouth, you bend over to bring your mouth to your next object of interest. Often, it is your daddy's nose for some reason.

I love how opinionated you are becoming. And talking (or singing? we can't tell)..... sometimes protesting. Sometimes just reminding us while we are in the car that you are there.

Today is the first day I am attempting to stay home with you by myself and take care of you without help. I still haven't driven since the accident - and sure am not going to try it today with the snow/ice we got last night. But my heart is thankful that I am able to do this today, be here with you. That it is beautiful outside even if we are tired of the snow.

I had told two friends recently that before the accident, I would get pretty lonely staying home with you. Not that you are not a great conversationalist and all, but I missed interacting with other people as well. And I worried that I wasn't doing a good job as a mom. I think I have started to learn two things during this experience - that I need to ask for help as a mom, that we weren't meant to just sit in our houses and tough it out by ourselves in loneliness or anxiety or just not knowing how to start cereal because you are still spitting it out after multiple attempts. So my friend Jami encouraged me to acknowledge the loneliness.

And my friend Kerri inadvertantly encouraged me to add some structure to my days while I am home with you (inadvertant because she does not know that I follow her blog - what Jami would define as blog stalking:).... I used to feel guilty for not constantly giving you my undivided attention, fearing that you would grow up poorly adjusted and feeling unloved and insecure. I am not exactly sure what this will look like, but to borrow a Kanakuk-ism, the four square life sounds about right. Based off Jesus' example in the book of Luke, we are to grow in wisdom, stature, favor with God, and favor with man. So I want to spend a little time each day with the Lord. A little time connecting or re-connecting with friends. A little time working out (somehow? - can't wait to start taking you on walks when the weather warms up, Ruby). And to keep filling that brain up - I have been kind of surprised lately some of the physical therapy questions friends have asked that I can't really remember much of an answer for. And exciting in itself - I start PT next week. I make people do exercises every day, but I have never been through the process myself. I feel like God is going to use this whole experience to make me a better therapist.

I guess there's one more thing too that I am learning - for some reason today, I have been really enjoying watching the birds land on the branches outside our house. I know this picture does not do it justice - but this robin is literally as round as a baseball. And it's the end of February. And I would think that at this point in the winter, the robins wouldn't be looking so well-fed. I would expect a little more leanness. So, as always when I see the birds outside, I think about how our heavenly Father knows what we need - how we are not to worry about our life because as God makes sure the birds are taken care of, he will do the same for us.

Rice cereal

2011-02-14T10:42:00.000-08:00

We got the go ahead from our pediatrician now that Ruby is four months old to try feedings, so I just wanted to share our first attempt from this weekend. I wasn't sure if we would jump right in or not, but she was sitting in her seat watching me eat my orange yesterday and seemed fairly interested. So we broke out the rice cereal, made it nice and soupy, and got to enjoy another "first" in Ruby's life. I love this picture because of my daughter's sweet little chunky cheeks, hope you do too. Happy Valentine's Day!

Our Anne Geddes baby

2011-02-07T08:54:00.000-08:00

Not being able to hold Ruby lately has afforded me a chance to observe and document her life a little bit differently. A friend loaned us this Bumpo (Bumbo? can't remember) seat which has been a fun way to be at eye-level with my daughter. I love this picture because I consider it my version of an Anne Geddes picture, although my daughter is just near the flowers, as opposed to in the flowers. And you can tell by the surroundings, that we have not taken down all of our Christmas decorations yet (I kind of like having the Nativity scene out; and we may just leave the mistletoe up). I realized this morning that it makes me sad to feel like I am not able to make my home "home-like" right now by being able to straighten up, clean up, do laundry, etc. I am trying to understand that maybe I need a different understanding of making things home-like and being a "good mom" right now.

I have wondered what Ruby thinks of all of this change. It blessed me so much the other night to have her laying next to me on the couch, getting sleepy, listening to me sing to her, holding my hand.... she kind of just snuggled her head up next to me, and it made me one happy momma. I decided one of my jobs right now is to be taking pictures, video, and writing down her stories because those are on my list of "I can do's". So Ruby, I LOVE having you fall asleep next to me, the way you hold tight to our hands until your grip relaxes when you are really sleepy, the way you kick your way out of your swaddle because you don't like being wrapped up (even though you do), the way once your pacifier falls out you still look like your sucking on a pretend pacifier, the way you've been putting your hand on your head while you drink from a bottle, the way your cheeks almost weigh your head down because they are getting so full, and the way you so trustingly and peacefully sleep.

Ruby and the octopus....

2011-02-02T12:09:00.000-08:00

(The ellipses continue)

This picture was taken last Thursday on one of my days off while the Rubster, the octopus and I were hanging out. I know it is sort of hard to tell what is so fascinating to Ruby in the picture, but it is in fact an octopus, and she likes to talk to him.

Friday, driving to work, I got in an accident. Without my daughter in the car, or husband, no one else involved, going less than 30 mph (at least, maybe even slower), wearing my seatbelt. But an accident nonetheless. That sent me spinning into first one side and then the other side (concrete) of an overpass. That scared the tar out of me. That set off my airbag. That tightened my seatbelt to the point of fracturing my sternum. That, praise God, only fractured my sternum, and like I said at the start of this paragraph, did not involve anyone else. That some wonderful people stopped quickly to help, to block traffic so I didn't get hit again, to call 911, to talk to me and keep me company until the ambulance arrived (I really did ask someone just to keep talking to me, that was what I needed most at that specific moment when I was cold and stuck in my car and couldn't move, with peanut butter pie all over the passenger seat).

So I have experienced some firsts since that moment in time. I believe that as a church community, we have been learning that such a moment would be defined as a "kairos" moment, or a moment that God will use to change things in my life, and as it turns out, in the lives around me (I will get to that). Among those firsts include my first ride in an ambulance, my first CT scan, my first broken bone. My first experience not being able to hug my husband when I wanted to, not being able to hold my daughter when I wanted to. My first time having my husband help me get in and out of bed, shower, put on socks. My first time having to dump out the milk I had pumped because of the pain killers I am taking. (The pillow on my chest in the picture is more just something I put there out of protection, I am not splinted or anything).

I am still sorting through thoughts and ideas and emotions and prayers, which may take a long time. For now, I can show you a little of what life has been like. God has been showing me what cheerful service looks like through Matt, who does not complain when I wake him up in the middle of the night to help me out of bed so I can use the bathroom. Who you can see here folding laundry for us. And God has been reminding me that He watches over Ruby. He cares for her and provides for her. I am having to think about not all the things I can't do, but all the things I can do, like have my daughter sit next to me on the couch and talk to her, or read to her. And I know everyone thinks their child is wonderful, but I really am amazed watching Ruby adapt to formula, adapt to new people holding her all day, adapt to her little world kind of being topsy turvy right now. I am sort of nervous to tell you all some of what I am learning, because some of what I am learning is how very selfish I am, how much I dislike not feeling in control, how prone I am to worry. But I believe that God will use this in my life to make me, and my husband, and my daughter more like him. More thoughts to come.

So I mentioned.....

2011-01-20T15:47:00.000-08:00

I had a silent chuckle just now as I realized that the titles of my posts tend more often than not to have points of ellipses in them. I love points of ellipses - you don't have to finish a complete thought. A period at the end of a sentence is a commitment, but points of ellipses leave room for you to change your mind. Matt has been helping me learn to finish my sentences, and I love him for that.

Being home with Ruby usually leaves me lots of time to think - an opportunity and a pit if I am not careful. I mentioned in an earlier post that I am working on NOT getting worked up. I believe when Jesus said to cast all our anxieties on him, that he meant ALL of them, not just some of them.

I always loved where Jesus said that he came to bring us life to the full. Worry is said to be something that can choke out what God is doing in and around us, how he is working. She is snoring right now, a little bean snore, and I love it. And right now, she is in a phase where she really likes to hold on to our hands while she is with us. Lord, may you give the grace so that we do not miss what you are doing.

My daughter, the strong one....

2011-01-11T13:25:00.000-08:00

Ruby likes to stand. It is something I credit Matt with teaching her to love - he cheers her on so enthusiastically when she does it, and she gets this big smile on her face..... so proud of herself.

We spent part of the weekend hanging out at Matt's parents' house with his extended family. I walked in to the family room to see what was going on - and there was my small daughter standing on my husband's lap, with both arms fully extended up in the air, looking like she was cheering on the players in the NFL game that they were watching on TV. It delighted me. Not the NFL game, but to see her looking so victorious and happy. It's like she's saying, "I can DO it. I am small, but I am so strong. Don't tell me I can't."

I am going to need to remember that - in fact I need to start learning it even now. Because she is going to come in some day and ask to bounce on the trampoline, or ride her bike to her friend's house, or fly to Europe, or move to another country, and I am not going to want to let her. I fear that I will tell her something that is untrue, that she is too little, or it's too far, or anything other than the truth that I will be the one that is scared.

When I was about 7 months pregnant with Ruby, we realized that the way my belly was measuring was probably going to mean a small baby. Our friend Chris said at one point that this little one might be small in stature, but could be mighty in spirit. Ruby, don't let me tell you otherwise.

Give your entire attention.....

2011-01-06T09:55:00.000-08:00

A friend shared this on facebook this morning - "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow." (Matt. 6:34 MSG)

I don't know that I give my entire attention to much of anything - I am not sure I know how to anymore. I want to learn this skill so much - to be able when with my daughter to give her my whole attention, not distracted by wanting to check text messages or what I want to post about....

The "don't get worked up" part of that initial statement is a different matter. That one I have been working on for awhile. Another friend suggested that we think about things that to us seem impossible, and begin to ask God to do that very thing.... To me, not getting worked up would fall in this camp.

Giving my entire attention. Not getting worked up. Looking forward to learning these things.

Little bean

2011-01-02T13:31:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here with 1.5 hands typing (1.5 because my sleeping daughter is resting on my left arm leaving me with less movement than normal), watching my husband uninstall our defunct dishwasher - he knows how to do these things - if he doesn't know how to do them, he watches YouTube. He is one gifted man - he has figured out how to rig our infant swing to wall power so that we don't have to use batteries. Take that Fisher Price.

I haven't blogged in a long time - and when I did it used to be about a dog. She has moved on to a better place. Matt being the joker he is told our dog-loving friends that we put her to sleep, but she really just is now living with my in-laws, where she is taken care of extremely well and loved probably more than she deserves.

And now, I will blog about the little person in my arms and what she has meant to us. About what we are learning, about what marriage is like now with her here, and maybe even about what happens when she and Tiki get together. And when Tiki eventually licks her full on in the face which is bound to happen sooner or later but my germ-hating self is hoping can be delayed for as long as possible.

I don't know how frequent my posts will be - seems like friends I have with little ones didn't necessarily get to blog often those first few months. I also don't know if what I say will make sense, or if I will make up words or spell them correctly.... I wish I had a really cool template and lots of pictures up, but that will have to wait for awhile. Because I am learning that my sweet little person being here means I get to adjust my expectations and that certain things aren't as important.

I really want to remember what she and I have spent a lot of time doing these last few months. I write this so that I will remember and be able to tell her, because I am unfortunately forgetting a lot these days, with less sleep and so forth.... but things are already changing, and she is getting bigger, and I will have to start putting her down for her naps before too long. For now, I can sit here and hold her. It's what I've done the last twelve weeks - held her. And prayed. For the little guy who was born a day after Ruby and is getting stronger each day in the NICU - up to 4lbs 9 oz I think now. I've thought of him a lot while I sit here with her. For friends who are seeing their adoption "fail" and continuing to pray for a miracle for them. For my mom who finished her chemo and radiation treatments and for my brother who moved back home to help her. I am so proud of him it hurts.... I don't want to forget what this precious time has been like.

As is true of many things these days, I will end there, with incomplete thoughts because my little bean has woke up, and is ready for my attention. Glad to be back writing.

Sick day

2010-06-22T09:01:00.000-07:00

Stayed home from work today because pregnancy + stomach virus = no fun. We got Tiki partially because we thought she might be good company, in such as a situation as today. I'm not saying she's not.... but Tiki is really more of a taker than a giver. And as I reread a previous post from a long time ago, I think that she may in fact be preparing us for kids.

As she prepares us, we continue to try to prepare her - successfully or in vain, we will find out. We bought a baby doll to "test" our dog out, by trying to set the doll on the couch or on the floor to teach Tiki about boundaries (the doll is now sitting on a shelf where she has been neglected for awhile). We found a jogging stroller at a garage sale, and in my belly-beginning-to-show state, I took Tiki and the stroller on a walk to see how she would do walking with something else. I am sure the neighbors might be wondering why I am pushing an empty stroller while encouraging Tiki that she is a "good dog." We even have a plan for where Tiki will spend the night when baby Totsch comes, as Matt's parents have graciously offered to puppy-sit.

For all of our efforts at preparation though, I can't help but wonder..... when we were setting our garage sale finds on the floor, Tiki tried to sneak off with the baby backpack carrier in her mouth to slobber on and chew and whatever else she does (and will I ever learn the terms for all of these baby things?) Is my vision of Tiki peacefully laying at my feet while I rock the baby just wishful thinking? I also have visions of Tiki knocking over our baby during his or her first efforts at walking, or Tiki taking our child's Goldfish snacks out of their hands (I know that "they" is not grammatically correct, but saying "his" or "her" each time gets old after awhile). I don't think this is inspiring confidence in my friends who have little ones to bring their precious charges over to our house - hence why Tiki is relegated to the backyard/back bedroom when friends are over.

And perhaps the ultimate question will be that back bedroom, a.k.a the soon-to-be baby room. The room that Tiki currently goes in and out of to be let outside to the backyard. The door she stands outside "crying" to be let in or out depending on where she is and where we are and where the squirrels and bunnies are. Tiki's holding pen when we need to put her somewhere as in my previous example. The place we put Tiki to dry off after a bath in the winter when it's too cold to put her outside. Slowly starting to be filled with baby things. Surely she can learn, right?

Winter

2010-01-23T06:59:00.000-08:00

I've included pictures of Tiki's first Christmas with us - many good times. At least for us. Tiki baking cookies. Tiki opening presents. Tiki's first snow with us. Tiki and Santa.

I have also included pictures of our dog's latest escapade. Actually we don't know what happened - one day, a bald spot just appeared on Tiki's back. How it got there, we don't know - did she burn it off by laying too close to the space heater? Did she get caught trying to sneak under the fence? Is she stressed, and her hair is falling out? No idea. Your suggestions are welcome.

Stole the biscuit.....

2009-12-12T06:28:00.001-08:00

(For any Eddie Izzard fans out there, you will appreciate my husband's frequent comment to our dog recently..... "Bad dog.... stole a biscuit.")

For awhile now, I have declined any opportunities to watch the movie "Marley and me" because I have heard Matt's brother state that he saw women leaving the movie theater after watching that movie weeping, with mascara running down their faces. Last night, Matt and I sat down to watch "Marley and me." No tears. But an extraordinary thing happened at the Totsch house last night. The movie ended, and we were feeling warm and good inside, looking fondly at our dog Tiki. And Matt said to her, "Come here," and in an unprecedented event, Tiki was allowed to climb up onto the couch and curl up on our laps (Mostly mine, which is why she did not stay up there very long, as 45 lbs of dog is still 45 lbs - I felt like Michael in the latest episode of the Office). I went to sleep thinking, "We actually have a pretty good dog."

And woke up to the reality of our dog throwing up twice during the night. When we have let her in the backyard recently, we have a hard time getting her back inside, despite the cold temperatures. There must be something out there that she considers edible. Oh well - probably no more time up on the couch with us for awhile. Tiki, you were so close.....

Space heaters

2009-10-31T08:19:00.000-07:00

Apparently I am not the only one in our house who loves the space heater. At first I worried that Tiki would burn herself by laying too close to the space heater (further proof in my mind of her limited brain capacity). However reason tells me that if she were getting too hot, she would move.

Thinking about it further, maybe we have a dog who is not afraid of fires - after all, didn't she almost knock the burning candle on our guests? It makes me like Tiki more that she likes the space heater, our dog who is afraid of bushes and ducks and little kids' toy push mowers.

I consider her love of the space heater as proof that she is too cold in her crate in the basement, and therefore needs lots of blankets down there with her to keep her warm. Matt reminds me that she already has lots of blankets down there to keep her warm, and that she is a dog. This seems to be a theme around here - I attribute our dog with having many feelings and thoughts and emotions that Matt reminds me are probably not necessarily true, as she is a dog.

Moving coffee table

2009-10-17T15:52:00.000-07:00

Since we got Tiki, Matt Totsch has unsuccessfully attempted to teach our dog that she can also be used as a coffee table. For your enjoyment.....

Hugs for Tiki

2009-10-14T19:06:00.000-07:00

Tonight I thought, I have never given my dog a hug. When I tried to hug her, she hit me in the cheekbone with her head, and I will probably have a bruise there tomorrow.

hum drum.....

2009-09-24T18:18:00.000-07:00

Now that we have begun a blog, I have eagerly waited all week for our dog to pull through and give me something worthy of writing a post about. I have in some bizarre way been disappointed that she has not done anything outragious or even interesting to share. Or maybe the truth is that Matt and I are just getting used to her and no longer NOTICE when she gives us reason to consider bartering her on Craig's List (so far we have only joked about this option; however I believe that we could greatly disappoint some dog lovers by even mentioning that we discussed the idea, even in jest.)

She still goes into convulsions when we come home, which I do think is the best thing about dogs, that they never seem to lose that joy of greeting you at the door, like they thought you would never come home. She still tries to eat cicadas on our walks, although I have noticed that there do not seem to be as many dead ones on the ground these days, which some may attribute to a migration of the insect population or something scientific, and which I with a mixture of disgust, amazement and slight pride attribute to our dog's contribution to peace and quiet in the neighborhood. She still, sadly, gets scared easily by sprinklers, laundry hampers, and toddlers on scooters (we do not know much about her previous ownership except that she was pretty skinny when she was rescued).

And the only other noteworthy Tiki-related item of the week is that I have become "one of those people" and announced to Matt yesterday my intentions to get our dog a Christmas stocking. Not only do I start thinking about Christmas in September, and start listening to Christmas music as soon as it comes on the radio after Halloween, but I will now be joining numerous other pet lovers in the belief that I need to fill a stocking with treats for our dog for Christmas morning. It will probably even have her name on it.

Not your run of the mill gravy

2009-09-17T20:54:00.000-07:00

I didn't think I would be using this when Kathleen showed it to me tonight. But...this warrants a post. So tomorrow (5am actually) I will be getting up for our annual Kearney trip. For this trip Ian and I are in charge of breakfast. I love biscuits and grazy, love it. Probably could eat for every meal for a week and still eat more. Well, I'm sure you see where this is going. Apparently, Tiki and I have something in common for our love for gravy. I've been cooking up a storm tonight, getting ready for the Kearney trip as well as a party with Kathleen's coworkers on Sunday. I'm all done, except in my getting ready, I realized that I left my most delicious gravy on the stairs while I grabbed some salt and pepper. Not sure why I put it there, probably trying to multitask one too many things. So of course puppy decides, "I should knock this dang thing over so I can get to what's inside"...and she succeeds. Fortunately, I was able to grab it before too much spilled out. Was I angry with her, yes. Was it her fault, definitely not. Just doing what dogs do best, find food, then figure out how to eat. Did I let her eat it, well not all of it, but it was just too good to go to waste. Sorry Kearney boyz, we may be a bit short, luckily I make everything in absurd quantities. Totsch.
ps - thanks to mildred anderson for the best B&G recipe ever!

Adventures with Tiki

2009-09-17T15:42:00.000-07:00

I have debated for awhile now whether or not new ownership of a dog merited a blog. As Matt and I have shared stories about our new little friend, I have felt slightly suspicious that perhaps our dog's quirks have not been fully appreciated by others. This weekend, when our dog leaped across our coffee table AND the candle that was lit on it, to land squarely between our good friends Crystal and Natalie on the couch, the comment was made that she is indeed a "spaz." That being said, I have felt the freedom and right to share with you the stories and lessons this canine has brought to our lives - this canine who loves to lick, shed, eat wood chips and can now "roll over" thanks to the efforts of Matt Totsch.

Matt and I believe that in her own way perhaps Tiki is preparing us for future parenthood. She certainly has upped the level of communication for us; we also have enjoyed the fact that sometimes her antics have actually been a blessing in disguise - like when we have to go over to apologize to the neighbors for her running into their garage to harass their dog. It creates an opportunity to get to know people better that we might not have ordinarily had.

We did not know what we were getting into when we adopted her..... I often say that some days I like her, others I don't - we believe that if she does not get herself run over by running down the middle of Roe like she did when her leash broke, we will grow to love her with time. I asked Matt last night if he thought that she was the first of many Totsch dogs, or the first and only, and all we could decide is that we will have to see....